Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.

Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.

WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?

SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.

You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today

penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

i hate you platonically

Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…

The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂

Monday: *exists*

Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.

The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”