It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
You Might Also Like
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’