It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill