It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
That’s amazing can I get a bud light please
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
When Dr. Pimple Popper squeezed people’s pimples for fun, they thanked her and gave her a tv show… but when I do it, I’m “violating boundaries” and “committing simple assault”, and “not a dermatologist”.
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
The person next to me on this plane only put their shoes back on after I showed them all the pictures I took of their feet
need him
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?