It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
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WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
listen closely
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Bros before Ohioes
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.