Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?

Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”

I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

*walks up to bouncer*

“sorry pal, this is a private country club”

*peeks inside*

[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

me: lol you only hurt the ones you love

murderer: OMG shut up

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”

-inventor of Lucky Charms

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*