Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

FB: you have memories to look back on

Wine: i’ll take care of this

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

wtf

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.

crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.

We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.

But I’m the one that needs meds?

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…

But all they sent me was her underwear.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:

“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things