It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
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Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
why is Saturday over in 7 mins and Sunday in 4 minutes but Monday is 84 months long?
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb