Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”

I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

How software testing works

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.

Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.

I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.