“It’s only arson if you get caught”

~Things my sister says I’m not allowed to tell her kids

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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade


So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill


Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now


Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.


The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.


As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.


In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.


If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.


I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.



My friend told me to let loose and be reckless today so I walked really fast with a bowl full of hot soup.