It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Old old old old old west
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
#FunnyLife Insects
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling