It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
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Wait a minute
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free
Also Spotify: we have no concept of time
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.