Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought SO MANY SOCKS online last night.

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him

St. Peter: then what happened

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

(2022)

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?

“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”

~My son apparently

wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table

me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party