Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world;

1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math

Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.

One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.

God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”

Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.

My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?

Me: I don’t think it’s an act.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

just witnessed a drug deal

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Ha.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?

Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.

life: do your best

me: (doing my best)

life: no a different best

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”