Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.

Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!

-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee

Me. I’m the person.

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

😸

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

(Playing an online game with my My 10yr old where you get a theme and decade to recreate)
10: Okay, you got Hollywood annnd the 1950s.
Me: Fun! I love that.
10: You were alive then, right?
Me: This isn’t fun anymore. 😂

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?