Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy

It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.

Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days