It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
i’m sure it’s fine
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.