It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
What the hell happened here.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.