Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.

If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Kid: What’re you doing?

Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.

Kid: We can only have one?

She’s mastered this game.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby

*Sips Margarita

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.

Relationship- Significant other

Writer- Significant Author

Round Table- Significant Arthur

Corporations- Significant Auditor

Zookeeper- Significant Otter

“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first

Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.

(True)

hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!