“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
☠️ ☠️
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me: