“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
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surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*