Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

I disagree with my politics

Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.

*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*

ME: I also have big news.

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

what are they serving at kfc then???

Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.

“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”

just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?

me: with ease