Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

[finishing dinner]

her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉

me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?

her: no, but-

me: let’s stay

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal

Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

is this a threat

In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.

There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.

I still have a landline…

or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.