It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
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“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]