It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Ummm
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.