It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂
me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
