It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
