It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Yes, we have some library patrons who are disinclined to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons, but don’t worry, they’re counterbalanced by the patrons who prefer to receive assistance from a woman for twisted reasons.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*