[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
It’s only October 16th & I’ve already beaten the shit out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
You Might Also Like
Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
TEACHER: and ur last?
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please