It’s only October 16th & I’ve already beaten the shit out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.

You Might Also Like


[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here


Dream catchers imply the existence of dream pitchers, dream shortstops, an entire dream team.


A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.


Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.


TEACHER: what’s ur first name?
ME: Juan
TEACHER: and ur last?
ME: Derwall
TEACHER: class, this is Juan Derwall
ME: *strums guitar*


Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Wife: Be quiet.
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.


I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.


Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please