Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

coworker: I might have to get a new doctor, it’s impossible to make appointments with them! they don’t answer their phones or return messages.

me: ask them who their CEO is

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.

Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded

This guy gets it.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.