It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
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A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
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Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.![]()
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.