Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#WhenIMisspelled ya know.

My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’

Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.

Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Bagged lunch circa 1984

-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember

I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?

Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.