Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

My wife must be the slowest reader ever.

I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?

Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.

tourist season

I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

I highly suggest that you do not google that term.

Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance

[Weights bench at the gym]

ME: …327…328…329…

PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise

when the buffet is more honest than your date

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.

I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.

My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.

Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.

I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?