Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?

Introverted vegans go meetless

Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?

Questions I’m asked before 7am

Terribly Tuesday.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.

Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.

In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.

Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”

“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”

“Oh rad bring it in”

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”

“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.