It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.