It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?