It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
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[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.