it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
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Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie