it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
You Might Also Like
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
This is the best one I’ve seen
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
We found love in a hopeless place.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.