It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
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Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet