It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
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Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
This is my emotional support knife.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
