It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
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Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
My coworker just told me this funny joke.
A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
honk shuah. sleep on that thang
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.