It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.
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If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*