“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
You Might Also Like
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I missed you with all my darts
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
Love this guy