“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.