Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

you: weird flex but ok

an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless

me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas

*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

1-year-old: *screeches*

3-year-old: *screeches back*

Me: What’s wrong?

3: We’re dinosaurs

I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.

Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

[after explaining speed limit signs]

5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.

I start training at mime school on Monday.

So if you don’t hear from me…

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”

romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh