It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.