Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

the three best gummy flavors, together at last

This has made my week.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

My blood type is coffee.

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???

Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*

When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.