Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Wife: Give me $50

Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy

W: Eh?

M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers

W: IDIOT

M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!

W: I despise you

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Microwave:
Me: *waves back*

Fortune Cookie:

You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……

Professor: most of you won’t pass this course

Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job

Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!

ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.

My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.