Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.

🤣

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.

To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!

CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.

UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*

also my go-to takeaway order

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?

ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

Boss-You’re Always the first one here!

Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?

*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.

They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.