Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.

911: what’s your emergency

Me: I can’t find my lizard

911: do you have any details

Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?

Person 2: I did

Person 1: what’s he like?

Person 2: so tender and mild

Person 1: what

I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?

Me: I LOVE STAR WARS

BF: which was your fav

Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.