Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

This guy is full of crap

-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse

how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.

If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.

First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera

Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.

My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.

She’ll come back knocking!!!

There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us

~~The crew of the Apollo-G