Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard

*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late

Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?

Me: I ordered it battered

Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*

Me: Thanks

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.

Ladies,

When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.

You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*

*picks her up when she turns 20*

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV

“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”

“Don’t you mean flirt?”

*starts florting*

“OMFG. WTF is that?!”

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.

In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be

A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.

Hyena: what’s my name again?

God: hyena.

Hyena: hi.

God: hi.

Hyena: i’m Ena : )

God: that-that’s not your name.

Hyena: oh. what is it?

God: hyena.

Hyena:

God:

Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )