@anerdonfire2

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

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@Ygrene

[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog

@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

@AskinWayne

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

@ermahgarton

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

@envydatropic

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

@ghostovpiss

what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

@murrman5

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

@mydmac

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

@stuzario

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke