Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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Me: [being arrested] how did you find me?
Detective: literally crumbs
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
My four levels of drunk:
4. Turtle stuck on its back
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
“I hate you”