It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog


First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.


a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today


me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*


The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.


what if spiderman shot spaghetti out of his wrists instead of webbing and worked at the olive garden


So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything


“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no


Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.


My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke