It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
How to properly lift a body
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*