It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
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it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Asked Nonna what her biggest insecurity was when she was a young woman. She said she didn’t have time for that because of Mussolini
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
feetloaf
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Human are so complicated
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
How do I tell my family I think it’s best if we start seeing other families.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
