Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.

But science tells us otherwise.

#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.

Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

Her: “What an ugly baby”

Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”

Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know

Dentist: You grind at night.

Me: Oh, game recognize game.

Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

All day: I’m so tired I could cry

12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.

He f**ng waved.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.