It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
smh
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
this is 10/10 content no notes
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.