It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
The funk soul brother
