Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok cat haters, explain this…

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

Start the year as you intend to continue.

“Eat me,” said the noun

“Say what?” said the verb.

“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.

“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.

Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest

I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.

I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.

Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.

Me: Okay.

Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!

Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?

Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?

Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.

[In the car]

4 year-old: What’s this song called?

Me: “Don’t Speak.”

[10 minutes of silence later]

Me: You alright buddy?

4: Yeah you said don’t speak.

Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

*learning CPR*

CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.

Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!

Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats

“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

*Looking through binoculars

Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.