It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
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We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.