It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
this is the news I live for
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Pretty much. 🤣
🤣
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
