It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
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Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
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All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
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I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
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I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second