“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh