“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
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soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
lmfao come on
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training