its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
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Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Just this preview of the story is enough
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
you could not pay me to delete this app
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers