Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i dont have time for this

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin

ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children

Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position

Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute

[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

OMG the land line just rang

OMG we still have a land line

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant

I enjoy a good short stor