Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

crying

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”

*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*

My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school

I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.

Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.