It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!