It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving