It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
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There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise