It’s pretty apt that the i is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.
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I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
beware of dog
(jukin media)
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.